in celebration of the end of everyone's freshman year of college (or sophomore, junior, or senior year..whatever the case may be), i have decided to outline how best to FAIL a full year of college..i like to think i'm an expert at this practice because of my perfectly-timed attainment of mono during my first semester...i guess it was nature's way of saying, "welcome to college..good luck making it."
(for those ambitious people that want to PASS a full year of college, my advice would be to stop reading..now..)
Step 1: start out the year well, doing everything that you've been taught to in school as far as study habits, prioritizing, etc..
Step 2: mid-semester, contract an infectious disease like mononucleosis (or if you're going to be all technical, the Epstein-Barr virus, human herpesvirus 4, etc.) from a person you kissed six months before..
Step 3: sleep non-stop for basically three weeks out of the semester, going to class a grand total of 0 times..
Step 4: withdraw from 3 of your 5 classes, with a signed doctor's note of course..
Step 5:attempt to catch up on said three weeks of class work in less than a week, spending about 50 hours locked in your 9'x9' room..
Step 6:spend approximately the same amount of time studying for exams
Step 7: with the aid of 4 different alarm clocks placed strategically around the room so you are forced to get out of bed, wake up at 6 am for your first final, walk through a blizzard to get there, upon arrival looking quite similar to a lost hobo
Step 8: proceed to fail [insert course name] test..
Step 9:repeat previous step 4 times
Step 10: complete the semester more than a little bewildered about the whole college experience
Step 11: start the second semester the same as the first, only already having mononucleosis
Step 12: complete second semester with steps 3-9
so there you have it...amy's simple steps to NOT passing your first year of college..i hope this has been..er..educational..
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